Itâs interesting hearing ppl be anti-ace in pride month bc I think a lot of people think about ace spectrum as just, not being interested, and that it therefore affects your life to the same degree as not being interested in like, horror movies or a new AAA game might. That itâs a simple âopt-outâ of any sort of sexual experience or identity altogether, rather than another set of complex interactions with a highly regimented, scripted societal concept of ânormal,â e.g. hetero nuclear family with clear gender roles
Youâd think for a community that focuses so much on the topic of representation in media, it would be a little more obvious that likeâŚin almost every story, romantic/sexual love comes up as a theme or sideplot, and in many of them, itâs presented as a critically important key to happiness or success. As a culture, we recognize that anytime a character is in the same room as another character with the chance for there to be sexual tension, then that sexual tension p much automatically exists by default (assumed straight, but if the characterâs label is revealed as gay,etc., follows accordingly). When the lead guy meets a woman with more than a few speaking lines and a meaningful interaction, they are a Romantic Sideplot, to the point where a lot of romantic writing is frankly lazy or forced-feeling simply bc it relies on ppl expecting it as default.Â
And the thing is, that sort of interaction follows you in real life in a lot of ways. It often feels like meeting people starts with the benchline of âam I or can I become sexually/romantically interested in you?â before moving down the lines of other ways to relate. And while I personally never really fell in the âIâm broken, I need fixedâ mentality regarding my sexuality (demi-, to be clear), I have felt alienated or kept at a distance in the process of trying to disengage with this unspoken norm, to the point of it kind of becoming my default. As Iâve gotten older, itâs gotten more pressing, and it feels like many spaces for adults come with the caveat of being related to potential sexual/romantic availabilityÂ
And itâs hard coming to terms with the fact that the world has designated the âmost important relationshipâ as something thatâs counter to you in some essential way. Like itâs a bit of a cruel realization to recognize that youâre probably always going to be playing second fiddle or be a step down in status to the people you view as most important to you because your relationship with them is not sexual or romantic. Being ace-spectrum is not opting-out of wanting meaningful relationships, but it sometimes comes with the resignation that you may have to accept that.Â
But thatâs why representation and community matter. Thereâs a lot more discussion about things like queerplatonic relationships, about very meaningful but non-sexual ways of relating to others, and itâs awesome to see it come up in media, even if itâs just fanfiction. The notion that something like love, or more specifically, devotion, loyalty, commitment, accountability, compassion, or the act of cherishing/being cherished, can still exist for you outside of the realm of romantic or sexual situations, is something I think everyone deserves to see and understand. And I think thatâs worth including in the discussion alongside other LGBTQ+ topics
âLike itâs a bit of a cruel realization to recognize that youâre probably always going to be playing second fiddle or be a step down in status to the people you view as most important to you because your relationship with them is not sexual or romantic.â
Since that âreblog if/like if notâ post is extremely statistically unsound, itâs better to have two separate posts for inclusionists/exclusionists.
Hm, so you say you donât do âfeelings for other peopleâ, which definitely sounds like you could be aro. What youâve got to figure out with that is whether youâre choosing to avoid possible romantic relations because you think itâs a bad idea/youâre worried about it going wrong, or if you just donât feel romantically attracted to anyone. If itâs the second thing, youâre probably aromantic. If itâs the first thing itâs a bit more complicated.
For me, realising I was aromantic was realising I just didnât get feelings for people the way most people do. It took me longer to recognise my aromanticism than my asexuality, because I thought the idea of a relationship sounded nice. But eventually I noticed that I didnât get crushes, and I was only interested in other people as potential friends.
If you want to have sex, but you donât want a romantic relationship or one-night stands, Iâd suggest trying to get into one or more âfriends with benefitsâ type relationships. That way youâre having sex with someone you know and trust, not a stranger, but you donât have to be âtogetherâ as a romantic couple. I donât really know how easy/hard those are to initiate, or how to do it, since Iâm personally not interested in sex, but it seems like the best option for romance-free sex that doesnât involve one night stands.
Thereâs also the option of a queerplatonic/quasiplatonic relationship, which is a committed platonic relationship which can either be sexual or not depending on the preference of the people involved. If being committed is one of the things you donât like about the idea of a romantic relationship, then a QPR maybe isnât for you, but if youâre fine with partnership as long as itâs not romantic, it could be just what you need.
Finally, itâs okay if youâre not sure if youâre aro yet. You donât need to be aro to have a QPR, and you definitely donât have to be aro to do the âfriends with benefitsâ thing. Just keep thinking about what feelings you do and donât have for other people, read more about the experiences of aromantic people to see if you relate, and remember that whatever conclusion you come to, your feelings about romance and sex are perfectly natural and valid, and you shouldnât feel you have to change them.
When youâre trying to figure out if someone could be ace or aro
aceofsquiddles 